A Visit to her Sibling

A Big Sister

GB went shopping this morning. She picked out a beautiful dress and matching shoes for her bio half-sister. She is visiting her today and is very excited.

She is excited about the baby, but the baby’s birth and the consequences of that birth are stirring up feelings that are difficult for her. One of the baby’s and GB’s uncles and his husband want to adopt the baby. They live out of state. Although there is no way for that to legally happen right now, they will be taking the baby home with them. They announced the baby’s name change. They also said GB can’t mention that BM is the baby’s mother or that the baby is her sister. GB’s response was anger at that restriction and fear that their love depends on her pretending for them. CPS took GB’s half brother away from BM last week.  GB is afraid she will lose the (very) limited contact she has had with him. She had been happy with seeing him once or twice a year. The baby is alcohol and drug exposed. GB is just now starting to come to terms with having FAS. She doesn’t understand how BM is still making the same mistakes.

All of these events have raised more questions for GB about her own story. The baby is a girl and brown. Her given name was GB’s given middle name.  GB is again looking at why her BM left her. The child BM kept was male and light-skinned. GB thinks both are factors in why BM choose to keep him. I don’t understand why BM does most things she does and the best I have for GB is an Idk.  She talks about how angry she is at BM and how she never wants to see her or speak to her again. I tell her I understand her anger and she doesn’t have to speak to her or see her but that she may feel differently in time.

When GB was small, my stock answer to “How come BM did _______?” was BM has problems. This answer isn’t good enough for GB anymore. I don’t have a better answer.

When Things Change…

The last week have been full of many unexpected changes. It has now been a whole month without Hope attacking me.  This week I realized it has also been a whole month of me not being Hope’s mother. That is not acceptable to me. We have two different agencies involved with out family to help Hope. We saw nobody from either of them this week and Hope’s behavior hasn’t been any better or any worse. She has still raged, she has been nasty, and she has been physical with GB. Monday the newest worker, Mary Poppins is coming to meet. I have scheduled 15 minutes for this meeting. I plan on telling her I see no benefits for our family in her visits and we will not be using her agency’s services any more.

I now have over 12 extra hours a week available, since Kenny chose to let go of this world and move on to the next. I have done a bit of crying, but overall I feel proud of him…the courage it took to deliberately say “I am ready to go”. I want to have that kind of courage when it is my time. I kept a regularly scheduled appointment with my cardiologist and heard that I have been upgraded from “cardiac insufficiency” to “heart failure”. I go to St. Peter’s this week for tests that, among other things, will measure the ejection rate of my heart. It explains my ongoing fatigue and how difficult it has been to get anything accomplished.

Divide and conquer techniques have made life easier for GB. The school, in its infinite wisdom, decided GB could skip recess in order to mainstream. I am not sure of their reasoning, since I spent Wednesday and Thursday with Kenny and only had time to remind them, via email, that they could not mainstream her without my permission and they did not have it. I meet with the school this week to figure out the next step.

GB is still heavier than is healthy because of the loxapine. I printed of two healthy eating charts, one for me and one for GB. I will take them to Stapl*s to get them laminated. I hope, by making us more aware of what we are putting in our bodies, we can improve our eating patterns. If we are both doing it, it might be easier on GB.

Kenny’s funeral is Tuesday. For many reasons I have avoided church in the last year+. I will be there Tuesday.