A Word From Our Sponsor…

I haven’t posted in a while. I have been writing. I have not been sharing what I write. I have been contemplating why I share my writing here. After taking a break, I have found an answer that I am willing to sit with for now. I write because it helps me clarify my thoughts. I share because I do not want to be alone.

To sponsor something is  to support an event, activity, person, or organization financially or through the provision of products or services. My writing is my product . I am supporting my sanity. It sounds overly dramatic. Living in a place/space where the word “normal” has no meaning makes it easy to lose sight of the road you travel on. We are in the middle of change. The girls have each faced their own challenges… challenges made more difficult because change in its self is difficult for them.


GB is in a new class. The old class wasn’t working and was beyond what I could fix. Even though there was only eight students sharing the teacher and the two aides, the teacher was unwilling to have her working at her speed. While I was trying to determine why this class was no longer working for GB, I found out that in the two and a half years GB was there, the end of the year reading scores were not data based. It was the teacher’s best guess. Since GB’s IEP was based on this information, her IEP did not satisfy legal requirements. The school is anxious to meet GB’s needs anyway they can. I have not yet figured out what I want them to do. The class GB is currently in is larger, with thirteen other students. On the plus side, four of the students are girls and GB is developing a nice friendship with one of them. Her anxiety level is subsiding. Most days she is relaxed and happy. The downside of this class is its academic level. None of the students are close to functioning on grade level. Right now, GB needs what this class has to offer socially and emotionally. It is not a long term solution. I plan on leaving her there for the rest of the school year, so I have time to look for something more permanent.

Hope has not had a good month. She has taken the physically aggressive rages into the school. She bit one of the classroom aides. The spike in unacceptable behavior was accompanied by Hope feeling sad for the first time. This is a huge development. Hope has a new therapist. Besides working with Hope, she is helping us develop a treatment plan. She also insisted on us defining where the line was that would put Hope in an RTC. She reasoned that by defining it a head of time we would avoid making a rushed decision in a crisis. Hope’s treatment plan is still being constructed. We are working to keep everyone safe while Hope tries to deal with her very difficult feelings.

There is a lot more to share, but there is time. Nothing needs to be rushed. I wanted to end on a good note, so I am closing with this picture: GB’s favorite activity in her new class is learning to play the recorder. “Hot Cross Buns” never sounded so good.

GB practicing the recorder.

GB practicing the recorder.




A Day Off From School

The girls had no school today. Ellie, GB’s service dog, has diarrhea. MK is bouncing more and more as court gets closer. I have an appointment for a third opinion on the neuroma in my foot next week. Surgery seems inevitable. 

This week, we are focusing on DAY. Any Defiance, Aggression, or Yelling results in time out to get yourself back together.  We also implemented restitution or relationship repair. GB seems to be responding to DAY and I am seeing the first beginnings in Hope that she recognizing  that raging is not making things better.

Organizing is coming slowly, but it is coming. Maybe tomorrow will bring pictures.

Taste of Normalcy

The girls and I went swimming today. Hope did better while we were in the pool. GB enjoyed herself thoroughly and came home barely able to keep her eyes open. It was a taste of normalcy that we all needed!

Our Monday

  • Hope finally had her blood work done. She still flipped out, but this morning there were enough people to hold her down.
  • GB, with MK’s help, used her newest cookbook to make monkey cupcakes for her class. I love how they came out.
  • Took the two hour round trip with The Dad and the girls this morning. The psychiatrist spent a half hour talking to GB and 10 minutes taking to Hope. She is pleased with how GB is doing on the new medication. She wants an EKG done on Hope.
  • The trip zapped me. I came home after dropping the girls at school and my oxygen saturation levels hovered around 90. I hope I get to stay in bed for the day, but the doctor might want to see me (I am not calling her).
  • Back fighting with the Director of Special Education. I want both girls’ CSE meetings before Thanksgiving.
  • Normal (at least our normal) is within sight. Stitches out Friday.

Trying for Quiet

It took her almost a week, but Hope has figured out that I can not make her do anything as long as I have to stay in bed. She is an unhappy little girl because since she has made it clear she was not listening to me I am not letting her in the room with me unless The Dad is also here. She tried to convince The Dad she had listened to me, but his logic buried her.

Everyone could use a break around her. Everybody (but me) is playing the Wii now and I am hoping they will burn off some excess energy before bed. I get my stitches out Friday, so  we will all be able to go swimming next weekend. My grandson ran full speed into the window ledge. He is so fast it is scary. I am a little bit happy that I am incapacitated, since nobody currently expects me to keep up with him. These days he usually looks like he is a prize fighter. Hope bumped her chin against the bus window Thursday and had a small, nasty looking wound. She has been picking hat it since and is now bigger and uglier. She wants me to make it better. We are not doing well on cause and effect at the moment.

My goal is to get through the rest of the weekend quietly. Hope still hasn’t has her bloodwork, Maybe Monday morning…

Still Here…Sort Of

This is just an update because I don’t have anything else in me at the moment.

* GB has been on the ant-psychotic loxapine for 5 days now. It has taken the edge off the mania, but I am hoping for so much more.

* Hope’s birthday has come and gone, the tantrums still linger rage on.

* Texas parents sent Hope a big box of gifts. Didn’t open it, haven’t answered their last email, Hope hasn’t brought them up.

* GB’s respite provider died last night. They never did control the pain.

* I had back to back CSE meetings set up for tomorrow, for a total of three hours. I had to cancel them.

* I had to cancel them because the minor surgery I was having done in an outpatient clinic morphed into real surgery at the hospital tomorrow because of my ongoing medical problems.

* They knocked down my parents house today. It now looks pretty much as it did before they started building 23 years ago… an empty lot. The koi pond is gone.

My mother always said if you have nothing positive to say, be quiet. That is not what she did, only what she said. 

A Good Start

Both girls started the week in a good space. GB did not clobber Hope at all. Hope, while still poking at full speed, did not rage, get physical. or even threaten this weekend. She still loves ballet. She ate dinner 2 out of 3 nights, and actual let herself enjoy another child. Her homework was still undone and went back to school that way. I told her teacher I would help/fight Hope 1/2 hour per assignment and after that it was the schools problem. Reading is still a mystery to Hope and she does not like having to say “I don’t know”. GB is enjoying her mainstream reading group. On of the girls in it is someone GB has had social contact with on and off for years. The district needed to be reminded of the aide that is suppose to attend these groups with her, but I think it has been resolved. It rained pretty much all weekend, and I am rained out. At least autumn temperatures are here!

Random Ramblings

My sister and niece spent the weekend with us in the North Carolina mountains. It was really good to see them again. On Sunday, they left to go back to Raleigh and took GB and I with them. The rest of the crew is coming to Raleigh today. Hope and GB enjoyed a two day break from each other.

GB was thrilled to have extra time with her almost 17 year old cousin, Danae. Hope was thrilled to have the spot light all to herself. Hope can now swim the length of the pool without stopping. GB is developing a nice dive.

We received an unexpected call from the realtor for my parents house Saturday. It looks like it is sold. We have less than 6 weeks to empty out the house. It hit me pretty hard. My mom has been gone over three years and I thought I was ready. Maybe not. My sister came up with the idea of moving Mom’s koi pond to her house. It made me feel much better. I suspect it is going to be very difficult and a lot of work.

We were supposed to be home by Saturday. I am now wondering if it makes more sense to spend the weekend in North Myrtle Beach. I still hope to see a Soul Sister or two before I leave the Carolinas.


In the last week:

  • My family doctor spend twenty minutes with Hope and offered ME tranquilizers.
  •  My grandson has been sick and needed to to see the doctor three times + 4 hours @ hospital getting fluids.
  • Hope’s therapist asked if I was thinking of giving up.
  • 1 1/2 days on girls school (won but tiring)
  • Hope had a good day Thursday. Today is day # 4 of impossible.
  • The Dad is fried- complaining that being with the girls is not relaxing.
  • I hurt.
  • I am tired.

and bedtime is five hours away.

On the plus side: I am at 23/500 in Corey’s Fundraiser and I am registered for Orlando!

Missing Two Days

Blogger is back after being gone for almost two days. It ate two posts- one that had been out there already and another that was almost complete when it crashed. Maybe they will come back, maybe they won’t.

Yesterday was a beautiful day here. It was bright and sunny, about 70 degrees and all the spring flowers were in bloom. I went to lunch with a friend and The Dad surprised everybody by coming home early. An early dinner, baths, and both girls were asleep by seven.

All state testing is done. I am still picking up the girls, so GB’s bus fears have calmed down. Today is gray and rainy, but with things settling down at home, I am not bothered by it.

After all these years, I am still occasionally caught by surprise by how much changes of routine screw with my kids.