Today was the girls’ first day back to school after winter break. GB started her new class in her new school. They take different buses, but leave and arrive within a couple of minutes of each other. After they were safely on the bus, I began to worry- serious worry that consumed my mind and left no room for everything else.
It is hard to send any child into a new school situation in the middle of the year. It is even harder when that child has disabilities that make communication difficult for them. My primary goal is that she feel competent at school and finds joy on occasion. I still want her to learn as much as she is capable of learning. I do not want to put limits on the future of a child who hasn’t turned 10 yet.
GB came home with a smile, one page of homework, and lots of things to share. Day 1 went well. Hope came of the bus whining and complaining and pure attitude. She struggled through homework and when it was bath time, she lost it. She didn’t come back. The bottom line on Hope is that she still is not safe. Her psychiatrist is suppose to come back this month.The medication she is on does not cut it. We meet with her new therapist Friday. I am hoping she will lead us in a new direction.
My moment of the day: laying in bed with GB, working on a word search puzzle. She is a very visual kid and is good at them. We enjoy them together and it doesn’t hurt her vocabulary or spelling skills.
Hope’s fever broke this morning. She spent most of the day sleeping, but did curl up with MK and Malachi to watch TV a couple of times. During one of these times, I looked up and saw Hope standing there. She wasn’t saying anything or trying to make eye contact. I observed aloud that it looked to me like something was bothering her. I waited. Hope looked at me briefly and said that Mali had hit her and MK did nothing about it. I asked if a hug might help and she climbed on my lap. We cuddled for a couple of minutes in silence. Then she was done and went back to the TV. I think, for a brief moment, we both felt better.
Today was much more work than I expected. The Dad decided to take everybody but GB and I to the Annual Fright Fest at S*x Fl*gs. They left early this morning and still are not back. GB and I had a “GB” day. Showers, breakfast, and spending time with Ellie. We went out to get markers for pumpkin decorating, a pumpkin, and regular Saturday errands. GB had an appointment with her therapist. We had lunch and then GB wanted a manicure. She was pleasant and delightful. I STILL had to watch myself to stay completely positive. I didn’t expect it and I was exhausted by the time we got home. I turned on a movie for her to get my breath back. Dinner was fine, as was evening chores. As we went up the stairs, I blew the whole day.
All over the landing of the staircase was a shredded, diaper.and its accompanying poop. MK had not secured said diaper in an appropriate container. Instead, she put it in an open waste basket in the hall. Ellie couldn’t resist. This is a recurring problem and before my brain engaged, “God Dammit” was out of my mouth. Fifteen minutes before bedtime and I lost THREE days. GB was so disappointed and mad at MK. I explained that only I was responsible for what came out of my mouth, regardless of what happened. She didn’t look convinced, but she went to get ready for bed.
Cleaning up was not fun and gave me too much time to think of how I blew it royalty. I am going to bed early and starting over tomorrow. I hope everybody else had a better day.
Picking a word to focus on in 2012 seemed like a good idea until I tried to decide what *the* word would be. I need a word that will encompass our struggles, allow for hope, and celebrate our victories. I want room for doubt, room to wonder, room to vent.I want to be able to share our problems and our solutions. I have been struggling for a couple of days because no one word seem to fit.
Yesterday I realized I was looking at it wrong. What I really needed was a perspective to filter my life through this year. Once I thought of it that way, *the* word was obvious. My word for this year is *moment*.
I wish to examine and live my year in one *moment* pieces. The present moment, whatever that may be. I don’t want to be waiting for the end of the tantrum. I don’t want to miss the smile while dancing for the pure joy of it. I want to be fully present when she reads a book she was unable to read before and celebratethe accomplishment. I want to hear my daughter the first time she tries to point out the wonder she has found. I don’t want to live 2012 multitasking and missing so much of what is important.
For 2012, I would like to blog about moments. It will be interesting to see what that looks like.Happy New Year!