2012 was a long year and I am not sorry to see it go. My health reared up and demanded attention. I lost my focus with Hope, lost it in a sea of attachment. I forgot I was trying to make Hope an integral part of my family. I let others take the lead with Hope. I have never done that with one of my kids.
I thought I was improving my relationship with Mk, but it was superficial. She still hates me and thinks I hate her. I have been married almost 35 years and this year I came closer to divorce then ever before.
There were mixed events. I got to know GB’s needs much better. The cost? I had to face how much damage alcohol exposure prenatally did to her. My pain has steadily increased, but I discovered acupuncture provided relief. I dared to reach out to new friends. It is a much better way to live, but it sometimes results in pain.
There were a couple of blessings. Jimmy came back into our lives. I have three new grandchildren and became a great grandmother for the first time. We found a team of four therapists to work with our family.
2013 holds the joy and promise of healing and a new start.
Hope never made it to summer school. She raged all day. I have my first black eye and lots of new bruises, but we survived until 6 pm, when I put her to bed. We had snippets of real communication occasionally throughout the day- enough to let me know we are dealing with the stuff the AT stirred up in her head.
GB was so together yesterday morning, getting herself out to the bus in the middle of Hope’s first rage. When she came home in the afternoon, she proudly told me how she had coped. She took a pair of The Dad’s dirty shorts to school with her and felt like he was there all day. I am continually amazed at the coping strategies she comes up with!
The Dad is away for three days. Hope and I went through our paces before seven o’clock this morning. This backlash from AT is hard stuff… especially when I am soloing. Hope missed the bus for summer school. She is now fighting herself to get the strong sitting done. I am trying to think of something nice I can do for myself if she ever gets it together enough to go to summer school.