It is hard to know where the pieces of my life fit. I have spent hours with my lawyer and time with my therapist. GB has two therapists, one at school and a private therapist. She seems to be utilizing both of them. She is very vocal about how she is feeling. Of course, the one thing GB wants most, I can’t give her. She wants me to promise her there will be no divorce. I tell her I am sorry, but this is one of those things she doesn’t have control over. I cuddle her and sing softly and wait for her to relax. She relaxes and when she’s ready, she gets up and goes back to living.
I usually sigh and go back to wondering how I got here. I am so proud of finally saying no more- and so ashamed that it took me so long to say it. I truly expected that the last years were an aberration and would end. I wonder how it became my new normal without me noticing it was happening. The person I am divorcing is not the person I have been married to for 35 years. I keep replaying the years, convinced there must have been a point that I could identify as the point everything went wrong.
A lot of going around and around and never getting anywhere. Separating the reality of my life from where I saw my future heading is hard work. Right now, I am wondering if I will ever get through it.