Change is excruciatingly slow. The girls are both struggling, but, as usual, in very different ways. GB and I have talked about the divorce since I filed paper work. MK has told her that I am leaving because GB doesn’t know how to behave, and other purely nonsense stuff. MK has been better with GB lately and GB has talked about that but still remembers all the previous hateful words. GB regularly talks about what is happening and what might happen. She likes her law guardian and speaks freely to her. She is struggling with Hope and her father, but that is not new. It was one of the of the straws that put me over the edge. GB identifies Hope’s adoption as the point everything went south.
Hope is also feeling the strain. The Dad has kept the girls out of the house a lot. That has been true for over two years. Hope has had a much different reaction then GB. The Dad has been against sharing information with the girls. He was furious when I told GB I was getting a divorce. When Hope first saw the law guardian, she had no idea we were divorcing. I have little opportunity to spend time with her and the last thing I want to do is put Hope in the middle more then she already is. I answer her questions as best I can.
I have repeatedly told both girls that the law guardian is on their side and they can tell her anything without worrying about it. I have also told them a judge will decide what happens next. I have filed for custody of both girls, but I an not naive. With everything that Hope has been through it would be so much better if we, her parents, could work it out. I reluctantly realized it wasn’t possible. By thrusting our non functional family out in the open, I have made Hope’s “now” unbearable. All the old behaviors are back. Hope on a flight or fight trigger is stronger then I am. I have reached out to her therapist, but have gotten only nebulous responses. I insisted that we needed to talk and it is suppose to happen tomorrow.
The house is quiter and calmer without MK. The Dad is still here, but the lawyers plan to resolve that shortly. I can not see through the now to the future, but I have my focus on each step I take, one step at a time. Any good thoughts or prayers would be appreciated.