Where I Am

I have been AWOL for a while. Part of the reason I have been AWOL is the busyness of the last few months. So, here are a few quick updates.

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HOPE

Hope is no longer receiving waiver services. The program is undoubtedly good for families inexperienced at doing their own case management. For us, the program took a lot of our time in meetings and the people involved  never really connected with Hope. Hope started with a new therapist in January and a new psychiatrist last month. She has a strong connection with the therapist and open mind with the psychiatrist. They are both within 20 minutes of the house which makes the logistics easier.

The physicality of life with Hope is still there. It is less frequent and less intense. We still use respite, but on a schedule that meets our needs. As Hope has somewhat  stabilized at home, the school saw more of her behaviors. This makes it easier to deal with the school. Hope is starting to want a connection with me. This is not easy, given the history between us, but we are working on it. Hope’s Annual Review with the CSE is tomorrow. I am sure one of the district’s main concerns will be Hope’s homework, or actually, the lack of completed assignments. Hope has done 12 out of the last 49 days’ assignments. I do not deal with Hope’s homework. I very clearly told them in September that homework should not be assigned. At that September meeting, The Dad said he would handle Hope’s homework. The CSE should be interesting.

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GB

GB is currently struggling. We had to change her medication because of increasing tics and weight gain. Changing medications is never easy. We are slowly increasing the new drug, Latuda, and decreasing the loxopine.

GB is just developing the capacity to understand what a birth parent is. She has spent a lot of time with Joel and Xsavier, trying to make sense of the relationships that were just words before our last visit to Michigan. It is pure pleasure to watch GB and Xsavier together. It is harder to watch my son Joel with GB. Joel is just realizing what he lost when he walked out on her. GB very much wants a relationship with him, but he will never be her “Daddy”.

The class she started in January is a good fit socially, but has too many students and not enough academics for her. We had GB’s annual review and ended up tabling it until June. There are no appropriate placements for her. I am seriously considering homeschooling her next year.

GB is still struggling with Hope’s lack of boundaries. Hope is into everybody’s stuff and steals regularly. GB has a harder time coping with this issue than the rest of us.. GB still hasn’t made peace with the fact Hope is forever. She is seeing a therapist that she likes a lot and I am hopeful she can make her peace with it.

I am struggling myself. The ramifications of the choices made to meet Hope’s needs are still catching me by surprise. I had no part in the life altering decisions The Dad made. I do not know if our relationship will survive. In an effort to get support for him, I shared my closest friendships. In some cases, I am now the one left out. Things he has said in anger, quoting other people, have made it difficult for me to trust anyone.  I pretty much keep to myself at this point.

Orlando was wonderful again this year. I am so glad I was able to go and be refueled. The people who started ETAAM are in different phases of their life and are moving on. I will miss them. There are some outstanding people taking over, but inevitably BeTa will not be ETAAM. Everything changes. I doubt I will be in Orlando next year.

I appreciate the people who kept me in their thoughts while I was trying to make sense of my life in the last few months. I am a blessed person.

8 thoughts on “Where I Am

  1. Wonderful to hear from you! Struggle is so often a part of life – and doubly difficult when you feel alone in it. Know there are many rooting for you and your beautiful girls. Sending continued healing and loving energy your way.

  2. Thanks for the update. It sounds like some things are actually looking up (Hope starting to want a connection to you…less physical violence). Sorry GB is still struggling. I have been impressed with all of your IEP meeting posts how carefully you think out what each of your kids needs, and it must be so hard not to have anything available that is a good match for GB.

    D.

  3. So good to hear from you. I always appreciate your honesty. You have such perseverance- a quitter would never ever have made it this far. Hope’s and GB’s pictures are so good. They are so blessed to have you there, always advocating for them. Thank you for what you do for them. Praying for you all.

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