I have not been blogging recently. It is not that I have had nothing to say. I have many things to share and more things that I am trying to figure out. The reason I have avoided my blog is that I haven’t been feeling safe. Feeling unsafe has come from many places, not just this blog. In fact, most of the lack of safety I have felt in the last week had very little to do with the blog or the people who read it. My marriage is in a tight spot- and going to the marriage counselors just made everything blow up. I felt as if my life has spiraled away from me and everyone else was grabbing control. I was not all right with that. I have been seeing a therapist twice a week since the middle of September. I have gotten very good at “I” statements. I am getting better at keeping myself grounded and not buying into everybody elses reality. Besides helping the pain, the acupuncturist has also been helping me stay grounded.
Once I could keep myself grounded, I had to find my reality. That was painful. I have been so traumatized by Hope’s physical attacks that I was not being her mother. She will not heal until I can give her the safety and stability she needs. The people coming into the house had taken control and instead of being helpful were making the situation worse. A lot of people have gotten into the fabric of our life. Some of the people were people who did it out of love and concern. Some of the people simply had boundary issues. Threats of CPS were thrown around. Sadly, I have to pull back from all my Trauma Mamas because a few people, whose names I don’t know, were threatening my family’s safety. I have pretty much withdrawn from people. It is lonely.
For now, Hope stays with us. The Dad has cut down work to half time. We are working on weekend respite that fits around our schedule. We are scheduling family activities and canceling people taking her out when there are conflicts. I am trying to slowly go back to mothering Hope, even if the Dad’s physical presence is needed. I considered getting an apartment for myself. I am not doing so right now, although I may in the future. GB is still showing remarkable resiliency. I met with her teacher today and heard how hard she works, how well she behaves, and the progress she is making. It was hard to focus his attention on her lack of some basic concepts, mostly in the area of mathematics. I was polite, but insistent.
I wanted to share where I am with you. Your support and this blog helped me keep my sanity. My journey has many steps ahead. I am afraid and excited. Bells can’t be unrung, but there is always a possibility of change.