Hard Stuff

I have not been blogging recently. It is not that I have had nothing to say. I have many things to share and more things that I am trying to figure out. The reason I have avoided my blog is that I haven’t been feeling safe. Feeling unsafe has come from many places, not just this blog. In fact, most of the lack of safety I have felt in the last week had very little to do with the blog or the people who read it. My marriage is in a tight spot- and going to the marriage counselors just made everything blow up. I felt as if my life has spiraled away from me and everyone else was grabbing control. I was not all right with that. I have been seeing a therapist twice a week since the middle of September. I have gotten very good at “I” statements. I am getting better at keeping myself grounded and not buying into everybody elses reality. Besides helping the pain, the acupuncturist has  also been helping me stay grounded.

Once I could keep myself grounded, I had to find my reality. That was painful. I have been so traumatized by Hope’s physical attacks that I was not being her mother. She will not heal until I can give her the safety and stability she needs. The people coming into the house had taken control and instead of being helpful were making the situation worse. A lot of people have gotten into the fabric of our life. Some of the people were people who did it out of love and concern. Some of the people simply had boundary issues. Threats of CPS were thrown around. Sadly, I have to pull back from all my Trauma Mamas because a few people, whose names I don’t know, were threatening my family’s safety. I have pretty much withdrawn from people. It is lonely.

For now, Hope stays with us. The Dad has cut down work to half time. We are working on weekend respite that fits around our schedule. We are scheduling family activities and canceling people taking her out when there are conflicts. I am trying to slowly go back to mothering Hope, even if the Dad’s physical presence is needed. I considered getting an apartment for myself. I am not doing so right now, although I may in the future. GB is still showing remarkable resiliency. I met with her teacher today and heard how hard she works, how well she behaves, and the progress she is making. It was hard to focus his attention on her lack of some basic concepts, mostly in the area of mathematics. I was polite, but insistent.
I wanted to share where I am with you. Your support and this blog helped me keep my sanity. My journey has many steps ahead. I am afraid and excited. Bells can’t be unrung, but there is always a possibility of  change.

15 thoughts on “Hard Stuff

  1. I just wanted to let you know that you are thought about and held in my prayers. I have not coped with your challenges, but have fostered a now 22 year old with bipolar disorder, and parenting her challenged all my previously held beliefs in the fact that I was/am a ‘good’ parent. I can understand the pressures that Hope’s behaviours put on your marriage and family life. Many times in my journey I had to act as the ‘barrier’ between my child and my husband (verbal, not physical) as I tried to understand and parent her appropriately. I have been reading “The Connected Child” and “Wounded Children – Healing Homes” and know how damaged these children can be, and how they can damage relationships which are meant to help and heal them. I hope that you can again find the place where you can safely parent Hope; that her heart will be softened towards you, and where you can all be happy together.

  2. I want to say that your strength and resiliency amaze and astound me… but I used to hate when other people said it to me, as if I had any choice about it but to keep getting up in the morning and continuing breathing. But you know that I still love, honor, and respect you immensely. Much love from me.

  3. God bless u mom, I’m saying a prayer. U raised this husband of mine and he is amazing!!!! I know the heartache and loneliness but we love u. Hold on and start f-ing slaying those dragons again.

  4. Mom, I’m praying for U. U r not alone, u have US mom :0p (sorry, but even though we NEED u, that gives u full permission to need Us). U raised this wonderful man I married and on his meds he is the most amazing man ever. U have taught me a lot and I think if people will look at you instead of all the sh$t going on around they would c that u r out to slay dragons. I love u mom!!!! Damn it go out and slay them!!!!!! C u soon, thanks by the way for the blog 😉

  5. Listening to and learning from your experiences and thinking about where we are going next in our parenting journey. We’ve had a couple RADishes here through fostering in the past, and it challenged everything I thought I knew about parenting, my relationship with my partner, and the world. I stand with you (and behind you) even though we’ve never met. Hugs.

  6. Most marriage counselors that I’ve known have been divorced. That’s like asking a guy whose restaurant was shut down by the health department to cater your party.

  7. GB’s mom–this is the first time I have come and read your blog, so I am just now hearing how hard it has been for you. I am so so so sorry for the overwhelming feelings of being unsafe. I don’t understand it with a child, but I do understand it emotionally with a spouse. A husband can be a good person, and not even realize how he can make his wife feel unsafe. I have felt shut down so hard, so many times, feeling cast adrift and lonely, and unlovable. I am praying for you and your husband now, as well as for your kids.

    The reason I came to your blog is because I have been seeing for years the encouraging and helpful comments you leave on so many of the blogs I regularly read. I finally hunted you down. You have bene a blessing to so many people outside your family; I pray God builds you up again so you are whole and can keep loving and building up others.


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