I had given up on my 7 challenge because I blew it badly. I had several good suggestions from friends. Maybe attachment is beyond Hope right now. I have been interacting with Hope as her caregiver. I do not demand affection from her, but have been willing to exchange hugs and kisses. Hope has been struggling for days. She is viscous when going after GB. She lies every time she opens her mouth. She was better when on the zoloft- at least she was relaxed and happy part of the time.
I have able to keep my voice quiet and natter of fact and kept my eyes soft. It is not a challenge. It is more of a decision that for now, it is imperative.I do not know what our next step is. Things are better for our family as a whole.
This is GB and her birth father, J. J has been stable on Geodon for 6 weeks now. He wasn’t stable the last time she saw him. GB has responded well to J’s stability. She has asked him a number of hard questions and he has been able to give her factual, truthful answers. Right now, they are having lunch at Ruby*Tuesdays. GB is one happy girl. I am happy that they both are feeling good about their relationship.
Hope and my grandson, X, have birthdays a day apart. Today, we celebrated. Everyone went bowling (I just watched). We went out to lunch at a good Mexican place. We ended at an aecade where the kids collected coupons and chose “prizes. Back at J’s, they played video games until cake time. Hope and X each had their own distinctive cake. X has enjoyed us being here.
We have stopped in Ontario, Canada for the night. It is large room and has a huge pool with a slide. The girls are hyper and driving us nuts. Swimming is our next hour’s activity. Michigan tomorrow.
We are off to Michigan tomorrow. Hope turns 7 on Sunday and my grandson, X, turns 8 on Monday. X worked hard with reading specialist all summer. When I offered a reward, he said he wanted me in Michigan for his birthday. He stuck to it, so to Michigan I go. GB is excited to see Joel, who is her birth father.
Hope has been a little less aggressive this week. She has also regressed a bit more- brought to tears by requests (ie get your shoes please) that she was handling. I am trying hard to under react and foregoing all judgement. It has not been easy. Walking on eggshells can be very tiring.
I am still feeling fragile, physically and emotionally. I had a spell when my O2 stats went down to 80. I have so much to process and my energy is limited.I see the cardiologist next week.
Not looking forward to the 17 hour drive to Michigan. We will take two days and find a hotel with a pool tomorrow night so the girls can swim off their traveling crazy’s. Prayers would be appreciated. It would be better if Hope didn’t rage in the drive through of Star*Bucks. We are taking the van instead of the Prius. That will help.
Last year when we went for Flu shots, Hope traumatized us all. She screamed an hour before, and 30 minutes after. Today, The Dad and Hope went for Flu shots this afternoon. Hope started flipping out. The Dad chose to let the Flu shot go. Hope will be unprotected from influenza this year. I don’t think I would have made the same choice, but it was keeping with our decision to do things differently.
GB is still seeing the chiropractor and she is steadily having more dry nights. I have no idea why it works, but the results speak for themselves.
We cancelled the scheduled respite tonight and instead took the girls to the pool. We were the only ones there. The Dad and I took longer than usual to set up. By the time I was ready to get in the pool, GB and Hope were playing together nicely. I sat back down and watched. They played nicely for 45 minutes. A teen age girl joined them in the pool. GB made an instant friend and Hope came out of the water mad. We left soon after.
A baby step. It was enough for today.
I have not been blogging recently. It is not that I have had nothing to say. I have many things to share and more things that I am trying to figure out. The reason I have avoided my blog is that I haven’t been feeling safe. Feeling unsafe has come from many places, not just this blog. In fact, most of the lack of safety I have felt in the last week had very little to do with the blog or the people who read it. My marriage is in a tight spot- and going to the marriage counselors just made everything blow up. I felt as if my life has spiraled away from me and everyone else was grabbing control. I was not all right with that. I have been seeing a therapist twice a week since the middle of September. I have gotten very good at “I” statements. I am getting better at keeping myself grounded and not buying into everybody elses reality. Besides helping the pain, the acupuncturist has also been helping me stay grounded.
Once I could keep myself grounded, I had to find my reality. That was painful. I have been so traumatized by Hope’s physical attacks that I was not being her mother. She will not heal until I can give her the safety and stability she needs. The people coming into the house had taken control and instead of being helpful were making the situation worse. A lot of people have gotten into the fabric of our life. Some of the people were people who did it out of love and concern. Some of the people simply had boundary issues. Threats of CPS were thrown around. Sadly, I have to pull back from all my Trauma Mamas because a few people, whose names I don’t know, were threatening my family’s safety. I have pretty much withdrawn from people. It is lonely.
For now, Hope stays with us. The Dad has cut down work to half time. We are working on weekend respite that fits around our schedule. We are scheduling family activities and canceling people taking her out when there are conflicts. I am trying to slowly go back to mothering Hope, even if the Dad’s physical presence is needed. I considered getting an apartment for myself. I am not doing so right now, although I may in the future. GB is still showing remarkable resiliency. I met with her teacher today and heard how hard she works, how well she behaves, and the progress she is making. It was hard to focus his attention on her lack of some basic concepts, mostly in the area of mathematics. I was polite, but insistent.
I wanted to share where I am with you. Your support and this blog helped me keep my sanity. My journey has many steps ahead. I am afraid and excited. Bells can’t be unrung, but there is always a possibility of change.
Today was much more work than I expected. The Dad decided to take everybody but GB and I to the Annual Fright Fest at S*x Fl*gs. They left early this morning and still are not back. GB and I had a “GB” day. Showers, breakfast, and spending time with Ellie. We went out to get markers for pumpkin decorating, a pumpkin, and regular Saturday errands. GB had an appointment with her therapist. We had lunch and then GB wanted a manicure. She was pleasant and delightful. I STILL had to watch myself to stay completely positive. I didn’t expect it and I was exhausted by the time we got home. I turned on a movie for her to get my breath back. Dinner was fine, as was evening chores. As we went up the stairs, I blew the whole day.
All over the landing of the staircase was a shredded, diaper.and its accompanying poop. MK had not secured said diaper in an appropriate container. Instead, she put it in an open waste basket in the hall. Ellie couldn’t resist. This is a recurring problem and before my brain engaged, “God Dammit” was out of my mouth. Fifteen minutes before bedtime and I lost THREE days. GB was so disappointed and mad at MK. I explained that only I was responsible for what came out of my mouth, regardless of what happened. She didn’t look convinced, but she went to get ready for bed.
Cleaning up was not fun and gave me too much time to think of how I blew it royalty. I am going to bed early and starting over tomorrow. I hope everybody else had a better day.
Day 2 was MUCH harder than Day 1. I had to go for a test today. It involved 2 hours of driving, over an hour for the test, and GB had to come with us. GB was not happy at having to leave school early- today was fire safety day and she didn’t want to miss it. This left her whiny and I am not good with an hour of anybody whiny, especially in the car. I dealt by keeping my mouth closed.
The test logistics were difficult. It took 30 minutes, three needles, and a lot of digging to take arterial gases. This is normally a three minute test. I was out of patience before they even started the ejection test. If the challenge included adults, this would have ended the day.
Hope joined us at Friendly*s. There were seven kids tonight. GB was clingy and Hope was dysregulated. I caught myself a handful of times about to be sarcastic, Sarcastic is my normal mode. I realized my only chance was silence- and having taken two cars. GB and I went home as soon as we were done eating and everybody else followed. GB and I showered, washed and braided GB’s hair, and are now cuddling in front of cartoons. This challenge seems to be much harder then last year. I suspect that means I really needed to take it. I can’t bite my lip forever.
Any inspiring successes out there?