Today is a quiet day. GB had book fair today and she was eager to get to school. I left for acupuncture as soon as GB was on the bus. The Dad took care of Hope and put her on the bus. I briefly wondered if Hope had taken the right medication, but I shook the thought off. I have not answered any calls from any of the people that work with Hope. After acupuncture, I took three hours to sit with an old friend at the hospital. Today was a good day for him and we enjoyed ourselves.

GB was approved for waiver services because of her developmental disability. I don’t actually have a medicaid card for her, but I do have a paper saying she was approved and that the card will be coming. Two years this took. It will be another 3 months before we can actually apply for services. I ran an ad on Graig*s list, saying I was looking for a special ed/psychology masters student to spend 3 – 10 hours a week with GB, starting with teaching her to ride a two wheeler. I was surprised at the number of replies I received. One of the responders was a special ed teacher who played softball in the league I ran for 10 years. She was a kind, reliable, athletic kid and her parents were really nice people. She comes Saturday to meet GB. With all the people taking Hope out and buying her stuff, I want GB to have some of that even though she is not a behavior problem.

Yesterday, The Dad took GB and Hope to Friendly*s for dinner. Mary Poppins just happened to be there. Hope chose to have a granddaddy of a meltdown. Karma? Maybe.

I am still numb after yesterday, and do not know how to feel or what to think. I see my therapist tomorrow.

One thought on “Enlightenment

  1. Oh, I’m so glad that you had lots of good, restorative time with a friend, and glad that you’ve arranged what sounds like another really good learning experience for GB.

    Myself, I wouldn’t think of Hope’s meltdowns as karma (though, honestly, I’d be tempted to!): meltdowns are where her coping skills are at right now. They no doubt feel personally targeted, especially at Mama (or whoever her next primary bonding figure is—Daddy?). But I believe, so strongly, that they are an indication of how great her fear/anxiety/anger/grief/hypervigilance is, and how small her capacity for emotional regulation is.

    Of course, I always feel some relief when other adults witness the destruction/aggression that my daughters can engage in when they are operating beyond their current level of emotional self-control. It’s soooooo very hard when they keep it together when other adults are around, but let it all hang out in front of me since they know (somewhere deep down) that I love them unconditionally and can tolerate (albeit just barely) seeing them at their worst. And they have to keep pushing that edge, to make sure that, really, actually, truthfully, honestly, no matter what, this time their primary attachment figure is not going to abandon them.

    Though, you know, sometimes they can be too successful at pushing that edge, and in fact, for my safety and theirs, I do need to get away from them. It’s complex, and there are no easy answers. And no miracle cures.

    Though sometimes, improvements happen when you least expect them.

    Hang in there, and please feel strong in knowing that keeping yourself and GB safe and moving forward, and letting Dad work on trying to keep Hope safe and making some progress on her aggression/destruction is a really excellent place for you to be right now.

    I admire you so very much!!! Love to you all, in this hard place.

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