My Response to “Hair?”

I wrote a short post about Hope’s hair. I was amazed at the responses I got. Hope is cared for. Hope’s needs impinge on the needs of others in the house. What we are doing is not currently working- but that neither makes me a victim or a failure. We are still, daily, looking at new possible solutions. I need to explain myself to no one, although I may chose to. You are always free to visit a different blog.

BTW, my definition of a troll is someone who posts a nasty comment and hides behind a fake email address.

13 thoughts on “My Response to “Hair?”

  1. Ignore stupidity!!! That is how I raised my birth children who suffered so thru the adoption and failure of 2 girls. It was a BAD adoption, we were NOT given information that would have prevented us from adopting them. Hair was the least of my worries when the one girl was busting out windows in the home, running naked down the lane, beating family members until blood was flowing. This girl was the size of Hope. Just keep doing what you are doing. I support you!!! I am proud of you!!! Ignore stupidy, it doesn’t even deserve a response on your blog, that is the attention they want and gained! Be strong!!!

  2. I just went and read the comments and was happy to see the support for you in addition to the criticism. If i have not walked in your shoes I cannot pass judgement on you or your actions. A blog is just a tiny microcosm of what happens in your family. I respect you for the difference you long to make in Hope’s life. I trust that one day she will learn that it is safe to trust you and love you as you love her.

  3. WOW – just astounded at the comments!

    It always easier to pass judgement … than to live in the shoes. May I add to what Ruby said – I respect you for the difference you long to make in Hopes life – and for everything you have done and continue to do in attempts to reach a very hurt child, despite all that is hard, the cost emotionally and financially.

    Love you much and think you are awesome!!

  4. “It always easier to pass judgement … than to live in the shoes.” – Ain’t THAT the truth! As I think I wrote in my comment on that hair post, people we encounter day to day have NO clue what we go through. None. Personally, I am quite open to my beliefs and actions being questioned or to having new ideas given by people who have experience with the issues at hand (and I know I certainly did question you a little in my comment). This helps me grow and improve as a parent. But if someone who has NO idea what it’s like living with the level of violence and chaos you or I have lived with in our homes gets nasty, negative and judgmental about things they truly have no clue about…. That is not someone I need in my life (online or off). And yes, if someone posts anonymously and all they post is hateful and negative stuff, they are a troll and need to go back under the bridge. I wish these jerks had half an inkling of what it is like to live our lives.

  5. I’m newish to your blog I must admit so this might be explained somewhere but I was wondering why you refer to MK and GB by their initials and Hope by her name? I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries in what I share online lately and particularly in my blogging (I find I share much less because of the troll like actions you mention) so I’ve gotten to be curious about how and why others do it. That said, I respect your honest and hope you find what you need.

    • When I first started blogging, GB was her real life nickname. It stood for grandbaby. When GB was finalized, she asked the judge to put GB in front of her legal name and the judge did. So GB is her legal name. MK was what we called MK when she was younger. She doesn’t use it any more, but she requested I use it on the blog. When I started blogging about adopting Hope, at first it wasn’t likely, then we were told she was being adopted by another family that didn’t insist on waiting for the placement to be legal. Two weeks later, they told us they wanted us to adopt Hope and they had found a way to do it quickly and legally. It is all in the blog, look in July and August 2010. At the point we brought her home, it didn’t seem to make sense to hide her name, since it was out there anyway. Thanks for your good wishes.

      • Interesting. I figured it was something like that. Thanks for taking the time to reply, hope today’s been a good (or at least better) day

  6. I think your girls look darling. I am friends with many women of color, some of whom feel strongly about “good” (read:straight) hair and some of whom do not. The ones who will not allow any frizz to appear on their or their daughter’s heads feel strongly that the appearance of frizz or strays shows that the person is out of control and so is their family for allowing them to “look crazy” in public. The ones who wear natural styles and twists or braids keep them obsessively neat, again to keep from “looking crazy”. All families would prefer not to be judged in public and these ladies would sympathize with your struggles with Hope. It seems to me that Hope’s hair is telling the world how hard she is to cuddle and groom and your friend was shocked to have the truth out in public.
    It’s your truth. Covering it up with braids that will last only hours doesn’t change it. It would be awesome if Hope let you keep her hair cute, and maybe someday she will. But for now, it seems it would be better if the well-meaning people whom she will let touch her hair left it alone and waited until she was able to let you help fix it, possibly with their instruction. She doesn’t need more people she can manipulate and triangulate.(‘My mommy is so mean, I won’t let her make me cute but you are nice so I will be fake cuddly for you.’) Hair and clothes are important, but a quick rundown of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs definitely puts personal safety above adornment. Hope has no frame of reference about “good hair” unless people outside the family bring it up and they need to mind their own business and not impose their cultural mores on you. Also, I’d love to see video of any of your trolls trying to pick out and braid the hair of a biter. Challenge!

  7. Hello,
    I don’t live in the US, but I still have a question which may be OT.

    I live in France.

    Where did you learn about African-American’s hair care ? I have no idea where to start learning about such a topic.

    Any good Kindle book you could recommend me about it ?

    It would be interesting if someone could write a blog entry about the African-American hair care 101. It could be helpful for adoptive parents to be or already adoptive parents who have no clue about where to find info about such a topic (it looks like a hot topic).

    Thank you

  8. I love the quote you posted. Do no harm and don’t try to entertain anyone — mottos for me, too. Life is not a popularity contest, but if it were, you’d get a vote from me. Ignore hater trolls. They are usually lonely, frustrated, self-haters who want some attention, and you can’t change their minds. So glad to have come to your blog.

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