Tough Decisions

This post isn’t written for the trolls, who haven’t a clue what we try to do. It isn’t written for adult adoptees, ex- foster kids, or even adults that are trying to fix their own childhoods. This written for the people I have been sharing our life with for the past two years. The people that have come to care about me and my family. If you are not in that last category, please move on. This is not for you.

Thursday afternoon, I decided to hospitalize Hope. I had some people pushing me toward it and some people pulling me away from this decision, but it was my decision and mine alone.

Hope and I were the only ones at home. GB and the Dad would be home in a couple of hours. MK and Mali were in the pool with friends. They were loud, they were horsing around and I wanted Hope to hold it together until The Dad and GB were home. I knew if she went in the pool under those circumstances, the odds were high we would  have  an explosion when I had to take her out. So when Hope asked if she could go swimming, I told her she would have to wait until GB came home. I told her GB would be home in less than two hours. Hope started throwing stuff at me; a shoe, a bottle, a remote control, a doll. I could have taken her down and kept her from hurting  either of us, but I chose to call the crisis line for reinforcements. I did not want to have to restrain her for two hours by myself.

Tactical mistake. I sat down across the room and pressed the button for the crisis people. Hope ran across the room and started punching my face. My call went through and as soon Hope heard the workers voice on the other end, she completely lost it. I was bitten, clawed, had my hair pulled, punched and kicked. The waiver worker said it would take her twenty minutes to get here. Hope continued to attack me. At this point, if I tried to restrain her, I ran the risk of hurting her. I was sure, to my very core, that I could not continue to get beat up. I called New York Presbyterian Hospital admissions. As Hope screamed and continued to attack, I answered all the intake  nurses questions. I had her psychiatrist number, so they could get her clinical information. The intake nurse said it wasn’t necessary, she already had every thing she needed. When I hung up, Hope stopped attacking. She asked me who I called. I told her the hospital and that she was going to the hospital because she couldn’t continue to hurt me. I reassured her I loved her, I was her Mommy and she would come home, but the hospital was a done deal.

It took another day to straighten out the insurance. The Dad did most of this work. She was under control the entire day. She could talk about being nervous and a little scared. We just kept following one step  after the other. I was slightly worried that because she was no longer attacking me, they might not admit her, but I didn’t even consider changing my mind. Hope’s psychiatrist is starting the process to put Hope in a local (20 minutes away) RTC that she works at. We need to get our structure back and end the chaos at home. Hope will come home again, but the bald truth is that while she has started attaching, she is more likely to hurt someone now then when she came home.

Thursday felt like failure, but at the same time I knew I was doing what need to be done. Hope is in a single room, monitored by video cameras. She is safe. Hope has had a good day at the hospital, except for peeing. The whole thing sucks. However, I am the adult and I have to make the best decision out of the choices I have available. Waiver people, the shrink, and the hospital all said it was time. It doesn’t really help, though, because I have to live with the decision.

23 thoughts on “Tough Decisions

  1. I love you, my friend. And I know the goodness in your heart. I wish I had words of comfort. You did the right thing, even though it feels so terrible. Praying for you all.

  2. You did what was best for Hope, and for the rest of you. She’s in a hospital with a great reputation. You could not have made any other choice that was fair for everyone.

  3. oh no. So sorry. I know this is everything you didn’t want. And also what everyone needs right now, it seems, including Hope.

  4. I think part of what you are saying is that getting beaten up wasn’t just bad for you, it was also bad for Hope (to have that repeated experience of being out of control and violent.) This is a way of keeping her safe, which is what you are bound as her parent to do.


  5. I love you and I’m sorry you guys are in another rough patch! Is she near you or at NY Pres? If she’s at NY and you need food or hugs or a toothbrush or anything when you go to visit, let me know! It’s not far from me and my dad spent 10 days there after his stroke. PLEASE email me if I can do anything. I can’t find your previous email, but you know I’m not that far and I can help if you need me!!!

  6. You held out for a really long time, its obvious you really love Hope. When I started reading this blog in maybe the past winter you were considering it and thought you’d be forced to do it, but didn’t for long enough to try so much.
    I’m sure it’ll mean so much that you tried so long instead of hospitalizing her early on. It’s clear you love Hope and she’s trying to love you. Your story and dedication mean so much to me.

  7. I’ve not ever commented before but have been reading your blog for quite a while. Your choices always show you as a strong, thoughtful and loving mother. Your family is lucky they have you to make hard and loving decisions for them.

  8. Oh, UGH!!! It’s such a hard decision to make. But, I’m really glad we did it, too. My guy was only in for 2 weeks and I had to push to keep it that long. He’s still not stable, but at least he has some new tools to work with. The hardest thing for us was those dang star chart and points systems. They can work for externalizes, but my kid manipulated the daylights out of it. It wasn’t until we got them to change his goals from unit based to how is this going to apply to my family that we actually got somewhere with it.

    You’ve got only love and support from my camp, mama! Praying it will be long enough and effective enough to be worth it.

  9. I have been reading for some time but have never commented. You’re making the tough decisions that are necessary for your family’s safety. I am praying for you.

  10. I can’t imagine what a difficult decision this was and the circumstances leading up to it must have been heart breaking. I have so much compassion for where you are and what you are going through. Wishing you all peace.

  11. You did the right thing for Hope. You put up a boundary that she desperately needs: a firm limit between you and her impulse to hurt (if not destroy) you. She’ll learn to internalize that limit, I have faith. Others have learned that limit. Remember that, when you feel lost. My thoughts are with you all. I know, from my own experience, only a tiny bit of the wounding you’ve endured. From a place of sorrow and hope, I wish healing for you, as well as for your lovely daughter and the rest of your beautiful family. You are not alone.

  12. Just got back from vacation…I am so sorry that this is all happening, but I also know that it may be the answer to prayer for you. I will continue to pray that Hope gets the help she needs and that you and your family get rest and healing from all the trauma. Much love,

  13. I will be praying that this helps Hope and that you and your family get the respite you need. I know having a child in the hospital is not the big break everyone thinks it is, because you end up talking to everyone (hospital staff, updates to treatment team, insurance, friends and family), driving back and forth and waiting in lobbies, worrying and focusing on what’s going on at the hospital…, and all the other things that go with having a child in the hospital –all while trying to calm and balance “regular life.” Please do everything you can to schedule in some down time and take advantage of this respite whenever possible.

    Sending you hugs and prayers!

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