A Visit to the Psychiatrists for Hope

GB is off on a five day jaunt with her Dad, per doctor’s/AT orders. The Dad reported that GB is her relaxed and comfortable self. It was just Hope and I to see the psychiatrist this morning. Hope showed off some of the good that came out of that attachment therapy. She made good eye contact, tried to answer every question she asked respectfully and fully. Then the psychiatrist asked Hope to go the the waiting room so she and mommy could have a private conversation. Hope said “NO, you F* asshole” and then tried  to kick her. I had to “help” Hope to the waiting room.

After such a great start, the psychiatrist and I agree to switch her from Abilify back to Risperdal and worry about prolactin levels later. She also gave me the number for New York Presbyterian Hospital and said to call when I decided to have Hope admitted. She said they would take the information from me, call her(the psychiatrist) to get the clinical picture, and give me an admission date. She said I could do this as soon as the afternoon.

The psychiatrist also said Hope could not go on the cruise August 26th, it was a safety issue. Hope gets home on the bus in an hour and the waiver worker will be here in two. Monday morning and I am exhausted.

The Present and Past Meet

Last night, The Dad and I went to a parent support night for Hope’s waiver program. Out of the 45,000 children who live in our county, are between 5 – 17, and therefore eligible for the program, there are 12 children receiving services at any one time. One of those twelve children is Hope. In Hope’s class of 6 children, one of the other girls is also in the program Hope is in. So out of the 12 children deemed most in jeopardy of placement in our county, not only are two in the same small school district, the same elementary school, and the same age, but are also in the same class. Poor Ms. Very Young Teacher.

Last night’s session was centered around attachment disorders and RAD. I didn’t really want to go, frankly because after this week, I was not in the mood to discuss Hope at all. Especially when I heard they had lined up a play therapist to speak. There was a tornado warning, I didn’t want to think about Hope, and I wasn’t feeling positive about any of it. I went anyway.

I found a corner to sit in. When the speakers walked in, Joe was instantly excited. I forced myself to get off FB and looked to see what he was excited about. The speaker wasn’t just any play therapist. It was someone I used to know quite well. During the 3 1/2 years she was seeing GB 3 X a week for play therapy, she was also trying to adopt from Guatemala. Just as GB graduated from Brookside to go off to kindergarten, Jose came home. The night turned into an unexpected, enjoyable reunion.

She had left Brookside the same time as GB to work the more flexible hours of private practice and spend time with her new child. Jose is six now. She was so excited to hear how secure GB’s attachment to us was and that GB was doing a great job (mostly) keeping those feeling verbal. Jose is now in school, and she is back working full time, only half the distance away that the last therapist was. I do not know where I am going with this, but possibilities are swirling around my head right now.

It Has Been a Week…

It has been a week since our AT Intensive. It seems like it has been years. Hope is the worst she has ever been, in the length, frequency, and physicality of her rages.

And yet…

Small glimmers of hope, so small, if you blink you miss them

Her head resting briefly on my shoulder, when no one is looking. Fingers “accidentally” brushing me face as she walk by. Sharing the little corn cobs from her dinner because she knows I like them. Smiling, looking straight at my eyes as she gets on the bus.

Little things that are gone like the mist, leaving Hope trying to claw my eyes out.

I saw it. Something is working inside her. So I wait.

Tuesday is Over

Hope never made it to summer school. She raged all day. I have my first black eye and lots of new bruises, but we survived until 6 pm, when I put her to bed. We had snippets of real communication occasionally throughout the day- enough to let me know we are dealing with the stuff the AT stirred up in her head. 

GB was so together yesterday morning, getting herself out to the bus in the middle of Hope’s first rage. When she came home in the afternoon, she proudly told me how she had coped. She took a pair of The Dad’s dirty shorts to school with her and felt like he was there all day. I am continually amazed at the coping strategies she comes up with!

I am looking for a better day today.


The Dad is away for three days. Hope and I went through our paces before seven o’clock this morning.  This backlash from AT is hard stuff… especially when I am soloing. Hope missed the bus for summer school. She is  now fighting herself to get the strong sitting done. I am trying to think of something nice I can do for myself if she ever gets it together enough to go to summer school.


We had a great time camping in our lodge. I spent most of my time with GB. Everyone enjoyed themselves.

Where we stayed.
Breakfast with Boo Boo
GB jumping
Hanging out.


Bye Yogi

Our weekend also included tie dying shirts, a lollipop hunt, riding on the firetruck with Yogi and the Saturday night dance. And no rain, Saturday or Sunday!