I am fifty-three tears old. Old enough that you would figure I had the concept of “me” down. I don’t. Dealing with the changes raising GB brought into my life, losing my brother, father, and mother over eight months, and leaving tenure behind to quit the workforce and go back to school were changes I coped with, still able to keep “me”. And then there is Hope. I am still GB’s Mom, but that no longer defines me. With Hope home, I am no longer actively working on my dissertation. I may get back to it, and if I do it may or may not be obsolete. I haven’t a clue. My goal of working with Head Start kids and giving them an even start that they keep may not be reasonable. I have never done things halfway and can’t see myself starting now. Yet, Hope’s Mom does not define me. We have had Hope going on 8 months and have still only scratched the surface of who she is. I can’t even reasonably claim to know what she needs in a mother. The RAD, which is in every breathe she takes, every word she says, every action she takes (or doesn’t) is all consuming. It has left very little room for “Hope” to show herself. I am a therapeutic parent, but that is how I force myself to act. If it were really “me”, it wouldn’t be so hard, take so much out of me, or in some moments, just leave me completely. Physically, I have neuropathy and a white matter disease both of which will only get worse. I refused to be defined by any disease, so my “me” really can’t be physical.
Fifty-three is old; really too old to start a journey of “who am I?” Still, since that is where I am, I guess that is the journey I need to take. If I had known it was a journey that would be repeated multiple times in my life, I wouldn’t have taken it so seriously as a teenager. Back then, I didn’t realize how many times I would start this journey over.