Dealing With the Past, Again

GB has been struggling with the past actions of her birth mom. When  she saw BM at her grandparents four weeks ago, it was not a good visit. I don’t think  there was any one incidence during their visit. GB was just looking for a sign of connection or love from the woman who gave birth to her. She didn’t find what she was looking for.

GB spent a couple weeks coming to the conclusion that she no longer wanted to see BM at her grandparents. It took a few weeks after that, for GB to tell me how angry she was at her BM because of how little her BM cared. The whole thing is still something GB is processing.

GB found her own way through her current stuck spot. We are going to see J in Michigan next week. J is her birth father. She called J today and invited him out to lunch- Just the two of them. They will be going to R*by Tuesdays. She is paying. J said he would really enjoy it and thanked her for inviting him. She hung up from this conversation with a large smile on her face.

How can I help an eight year old with ASD, FASD, and Bipolar Disorder process what has happened in her life, when I can’t even process it myself ?

7 thoughts on “Dealing With the Past, Again

  1. I don’t know that you can, you just got to love her through it. I will never forget what I was told by the head of our states department of human services several years ago “you keep trying to figure it out, to make sense of something that will never makes sense, to find an explanation for the unexplainable.” And that is what a mother’s lack of love, connection or concern for her child is – unfathomable. I still can’t have much of a relationship with my mother, not out of resentment. But because there is really no parent child connection, she is more like that lady I have known all of my life, and that is a very painful relationship to try to have with one’s own mother. My guess is that may be where GB is coming from with not wanting to see her mom. It hurts to have to see the lack of meaning you have to your own mother up close and personal. I feel for her.

  2. Does she "get" RAD? And how hard it is for Hope to make connections with people? She sees how hard you and Dad work with Hope to help Hope get better and heal.. maybe if she hears that 1st Mom never had that intensive help and never had the chance to heal (and thus can't make the connections). It's a fine line, because you want to give GB the "it's not you" message, but don't want to badmouth 1st mom either. Ugh. Life is so hard.

  3. Our girl is trying to process the 9.5 years before getting to us lately. It is heartbreaking. You are right – it's hard to know how to help them through it when you're just shaking your head saying, "WHY??? Why would they do that???"

  4. That is EXACTLY where I am at– how can I help this little boy process something I can't even figure out myself? Cory has a good point– My son and I have spent a lot of time and therapy sessions talking about the cycle of abuse, about how his parents were hurt when they were little and no one helped them get better, and so they didn't know how to take care of him. I think it helped, but first he heard, "My parents were hurt. They have mental illness. I was hurt. I have mental illness. I am going to be just like them." and we are still working to get past that.

  5. As cliche as it may sound, you are already doing the most important thing- You are listening to what she has to say, as she finds words for the unspeakable. She will visit this issue again and again as she grows and her story writes itself.

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