Today was my first day back soloing with the kids. Unfortunately, GB is still quite sick with strep. Hope no likey that. She wanted to stay home with strep today also. As a result, she forgot everything. She forgot how to put on her panties, she forgot where her shirts were kept. It took her forty five minutes to get dressed, which left her less than five minutes to eat her cereal. When I took the cereal away and said it was time to leave, she lost it, pounding her feet and fists on the floor while screeching. She missed the bus and I had to drive her. We got to school and she *forgot* her book bag. I didn’t bring it in. I have already warned the school nurse what Hope is up to and that I will not pick her up unless she has a real fever.
It is hard to endure the cycles of a RADish. I know Hope gets scared when she doesn’t get the lion’s share of the attention. I know that anybody being acknowledged for an accomplishment makes Hope feel smaller. I understand that she is a black hole of love- adsorbing every little smidgen she can find and not letting any of it come back. I know, deep in my core, that Hope has control over none of this. It is not her fault.
Still. Her path to happiness is through these reactions to a place where she can love and be loved. A place where she can function in our family and, ultimately, in the world. I wish the path was easier for her. I wish a hug would make everything alright. And, today, I wish it was possible to take a break from being a therapeutic parent. But, like Hope, I will just have to get up, brush myself off, put on my big girl panties, and push on. I would look pretty silly pounding my feet and fists on the floor while screeching.